WASHINGTON — The White House announced Thursday it will begin replacing voting blocs that failed to appreciate two years of being called a national threat. Aides described the midterm defeat as a "voter supply chain problem."
The Bureau of Grateful Electorate Replacement will list counties and groups that ignored two years of tariffs and insults. Don the Con approved the plan in a 2 a.m. memo titled "The Problem Is Them, Not Us."
The memo cited the president's 38 percent approval rating in exit polls as evidence that only 38 percent of Americans understood the vision. The other 62 percent were classified as "unit failures." The Bureau will prioritize farmers, veterans, and Black women, whom the memo called "repeat offenders."
"These voters had every chance to show gratitude for the policies we designed specifically to hurt them," said Bureau Director Melanie Stavros, reading from a prepared statement. "They chose otherwise. We cannot allow ungrateful constituencies to destabilize a system built on their quiet compliance."
She added that the Bureau was not punishing voters, merely "retiring them from the electorate." The memo singled out farmers for not thanking the administration for tariffs that raised their equipment costs by 27 percent.
Veterans were faulted for appearing sad about cuts to health clinics. Black women were flagged for "sustained electoral independence" after backing candidates the memo called "off-script."
The program will use a lottery system, but only for voters who meet the criteria of having been named as a threat in an administration press release. County election officials will receive flowcharts for determining whether a voter's silence was "bad faith" or "insufficiently servile." The Bureau's budget request includes $47 million for wristbands and eye-contact training for replacement voters.
The announcement followed a midterm in which Democrats won the House and flipped the Senate. Keisha Lance Bottoms became the first Black woman governor of any state, winning Georgia after 83 consecutive white male governors.
The White House did not mention Bottoms by name. It referred only to "a demographic whose box braids were not on the ballot and should not have been."
The memo described the success of candidates from targeted groups as "unexpected and unhelpful." In Ohio, Amy Acton became the first woman and first Jewish governor. In New Jersey, Dr. Adam Hamawy became the first Muslim member of the state's congressional delegation.
Nearly 300 women ran for the House or Senate this cycle, according to Rutgers Center for American Women and Politics, which the memo called "an overproduction crisis." A spokesperson said the Bureau's first public meeting would be held in a room with no chairs, because seating "creates a false sense of entitlement."
