The Leather-Faced Piss Bag signed an executive order Friday creating the Office of Mandatory Public Contrition. The new office will operate inside the Department of Commerce. Its job is to demand written apologies from private citizens whose online posts are found to harm the first couple's commercial aura.
The office's first enforcement letter went to a single mother from Toms River, New Jersey. It gave her 72 hours to submit a notarized apology and asked for $1,500 to cover administrative review costs. Failure would trigger a secondary review of her tax filings.
"This is not about silencing anyone," said Marcia Feld, the office's acting director. "It is about ensuring that public commentary does not create a hostile environment for the first family's restorative work. We are simply seeking a balanced ledger of respect."
The memo creating the office describes it as a civilian version of an executive nondisclosure agreement. It will maintain a public database of apology compliance scores. Names of noncompliant critics will be published monthly in the Federal Register.
The office has requested $38 million to hire apology compliance officers. Each officer will review up to 50 social media posts per day for signs of unpleasantness orientation. Flagged terms include "small," "weak," and "unusually orange" when used near the first couple's names.
The first lady's office issued a separate factual sheet noting that the program would also accept apologies in the form of "voluntary" video statements. These statements would be stored in a secure repository and could be released at the office's discretion. The sheet did not clarify whether the videos would require a laugh track.
The Jersey mother declined to submit the apology. In response, the office sent a second letter asking whether she understood the consequences. The letter included a list of her children's public school schedules, with an accompanying note explaining the list was provided "for reference only."
Legal scholars have questioned whether a notarized apology violates the First Amendment. The department's Office of Legal Counsel found that apologies, like other speech, are voluntary if the person feels guilty enough. The office's legal review concluded that guilt is a form of consent.
"We do not dictate what citizens may say," said deputy director Glenn P. Harker. "We simply make clear that there is a cost associated with saying it too loudly for the room." Aides said the former president had personally reviewed the Jersey woman's posts and underlined three negative adjectives.
The office has also begun distributing apology request forms at public events. A recent town hall in Hackensack collected 12 forms from residents who had criticized the first couple on a neighborhood app. All 12 requests were denied due to insufficient remorse.
An inspector general report found the office fully compliant with its own standards. Those standards define an apology as any written statement beginning with the words I am sorry and ending with a signature under notary seal. The office's first performance bonus went to a staffer who secured an apology using only one follow-up letter and a copy of the critic's mortgage statement.
